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The Hidden Toll of People Pleasing
It is admirable to go out of our way to accommodate others and to think about their happiness, even when it means setting our own needs aside. But should you find yourself habitually prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of your own, it may be a sign that your boundaries need a tune-up.
People pleasing is habit that we learn to safely navigate our relationships.
People pleasing goes beyond being kind and thoughtful toward others. At its core, people-pleasing is about habitually prioritizing others' needs and desires at the expense of your own. It differs from being considerate in that it often stems from deeper emotional needs that are going (or once went) unmet. These needs include a desire to fit in, to feel safe, or to maintain a sense of control in your environment.
If you struggle with people pleasing behaviors, it is something to be aware of - not ashamed of!
People pleasing once helped us get our needs met in some way. For example, you may have developed people pleasing habits as a way to cope with bullying or rejection, chaotic or unpredictable caregivers, or an abusive relationship. People pleasing behaviors offer us a way to protect ourselves emotionally when nobody else is. We owe ourselves grace for how we cope with difficult circumstances in the past, even if we wish to develop different behaviors today.
People pleasing can take a toll on your mental health.
Here's how.
Masking your true self in relationships
Chronic people-pleasing can make it challenging to form deep and authentic friendships because it often involves hiding your true self to fit others' expectations. When we default to pleasing others to avoid conflict, it can come at the cost of honestly expressing our unique interests, beliefs, feelings, and needs. This lack of authenticity can create an invisible barrier between you and others, making it difficult to feel like you "connect".
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Overwhelm and neglected needs
People pleasing often includes agreeing to tasks or responsibilities to avoid disappointing others, even when it means overwhelming yourself. You know deep down that you really can't manage one more task...but you say yes anyway. It can be easy to fall into a habit of saying yes, and end up buried under unwanted obligations. This makes it difficult to protect our time, energy, and to take care of our own emotional needs.
Missed opportunities to practice conflict resolution
People pleasing can result in suppressing your own voice, opinions, or needs in moments of conflict. Asserting your own needs when it conflicts with someone else's can be particularly daunting. This is especially the case if you have had relationships where standing up for yourself resulted in backlash or emotional harm. However, in the context of safe relationships, chronic avoidance of conflict can sidestep important opportunities to learn and grow in a relationship. Emotionally mature individuals have learned how to respectfully express themselves, have healthy disagreements with others, and to productively solve problems in a manner that fairly addresses everybody's needs.
Compromised values
Another outcome of chronic conflict avoidance and people pleasing is that you can find yourself going along with the crowd -- even when the vibes are off. Every one of us will encounter moments in life when standing up for what is right and living your values requires expressing disagreement. Getting comfortable with letting others have different thoughts or beliefs than you, while also honoring your own, can act as a sort of emotional superpower.
Lower self esteem
People pleasers often rely on validation and reassurance from others to feel ok about themselves instead of learning to find it within themselves. Over time, you can lose touch with what matters to you and makes you feel good about yourself. Criticism by those you respect or love can feel even more jarring and painful when we have no inner confidence to rely on. Even an off-handed comment about something frivolous can start to feel like a rejection of your entire worth as a person. When relying on others for validation and approval becomes a habit, it becomes harder and harder to be your authentic self
Feelings of resentment
When you put others’ needs first all the time, it can lead to resentment over. It can be particularly hurtful when those you have bent over backward to help do not go out of their way to help you. You may feel unappreciated or taken for granted, which can impact the quality of your relationships and self-worth.
Changing people pleasing habits starts with self awareness.
Overcoming people-pleasing begins with the recognition that this behavior often stems from deeper fears or traumatic experiences. Trauma informed therapy can be helpful in unpacking underlying wounds that contribute to people-pleasing tendencies. Learning to tune into your own desires, practicing communicating your boundaries, and working through painful experiences that keep you feeling anxious and guilty are essential steps toward breaking the people pleasing cycle. In time, it is possible form new habits grounded in self compassion.